Fermi Pradox Rick
by HookahSocialism
Summary: The Earth is contacted by an alien race and all the tension and questions of what an alien encounter might look like build up to a non-adventure.


Rick and Morty are just watching infomercials on tv and Rick says to Morty

"You know (belch...) maybe I should be an infomercial guy."

"Rick remember last time you were a salesman?"

Rick is cold calling some old lady.

"Hello ma'daam. I've been looking over your health records and what you're paying in insurance and it should be a crime the amount your paying... Do you know with (Belch) Rickcare you could be paying almost half and still get the same coverages you get now? Ma'daam?"

"Isnt it a crime to just I dunno...peer into people's medical records and personal info?"

"Well than cunt dont have a Facebook. You know Zuckerberg is gonna plant all sorts of cryptic software to track your every movement than sell all that info to third parties like me. I'm just trying to save you some money before your decrepit ass dies and you have nothing to leave your grandsons. Hello? Bitch hung up on me..."

Back to the present Rick flicks the channel.

"Oh yeah... you know she did end up dying like two years later and her grandsons didn't get shit."

Suddenly people are screaming outside and someone is chanting Bible verses. Morty looks out the window.

"Rick you need to see this!"

"I doubt it but sure...whatever"

Rick looks out the window too and theres ten saucers in the sky.

"Wooo flying saucers. Morty we see a new alien species like every hour."

"We do Rick but most people don't. Society is about to collapse at the realization that human beings are not the only sentient lifeform! And uhhh not only are we not alone in that self awareness but but they're right here!"

Rick takes a swig of his flask, wipes his mouth, and walks away.

"Where are you going Rick?"

"Im gonna go apply on for some sales jobs thats what I'm gonna fucking do Morty. This is not an adventure."

As the all the major news stations are flooded with news about alien encounters the world leaders meet up with grey aliens. Who can speak all of our languages at one time boggling the minds of onlookers that they can speak with such clarity and grammatical precision, all the worlds languages, and they arent doing it telepathically or by some super computer.

Fox News gets a guest who suggests we should force the aliens to give us their rarest minerals or get off the planet before we blast them out. They have no right to be here and are not humans.

"Oh geez Rick... the rednecks...they they wanna start a war with the greys!"

"That shouldn't worry you Morty..."

MSNBC has a guest with a stereotypical gay lisp and he's like

"Well personally I wanna see what they're like in the sheets! Hoohoohoo! Can you imagine an entity that can speak twenty different languages at once what a blowjob from them must feel like?!"

'Rick!"

"Its just sexual deviancy Morty...that shouldn't worry you either."

The CNN guest is some whitewashed black dude with glasses and he takes off his glasses to give a stern lecture.

"We have to rethink what even is a legal human? Is a human any lifeform that is self aware of death? Is a human any being that pays taxes and has a legal name under the law?"

"Ok see...THAT should worry you."

"Wha...what?"

After a few weeks of these controversies and heavy handed debates with people going back and fourth of the right to grey marriage and illegal space aliens...ultimately big websites like Youtube and Twitter start massively banning greys whom try to communicate with the masses on their primitive little computer algorithms. The world leders than hold another press conference where the greys wish to speak.

"On behalf of me and my entire species...We wish to tell you in the simplest way you can understand...that you all are fucking morons. This is why aliens don't make their presence known to your backwoods hick planet. We could understand, empathize even that an unaware species floating alone in space with no concept of a God or greater purpose might nuke itself out of existence. We could even understand you becoming so engrossed in your own pathetic little systems of ownership and power dynamic that you consume all of your planets resources and slowly kill every living thing until you are a barren wasteland.

But we cannot understand is how even a quasi intelligent species could be so dense, so detatched, that after thousands of years of evolution, war, revolutions, and philosophy...you STILL cannot come to a consistent agreement on what even is a legal person in your eyes and how that would be applicable under your own laws. You leave your lives to the hands of your harshest criminals whom rarely you can even put a name or face on. But you happily throw your lower classes into prisons for them to become more isolated, more violent, as you take away any basic right they might've had...not that you ever beleived in them anyway because you never even took the time to think about what a right is or how it pertains to a person.

In short... our visit here was not one of sheer benevolence. We did indeed have an ulterior motive of trading with you. We were going to fix your problems of famine, of disease, of mortality rate...and in return you give us access to some core minerals that are very finite but necessary to our longevity. Your species prides itself in being "capitalist" as you put it...but you can"t even do that right and you let some tech geek pedophiles at Google and Facebook run half of your economy and what do they even produce or sell? All they do is collect data, compose more data, all of which is entitely arbitrary because all you do is ban eachother and enroach on criticisms that conflict with the short term interests of a few businesses who get upset that someone else is rightfully or wrongfully outraged. You really have no fucking clue what you're doing with anything...at all... We don't need what you have THAT badly. We'll just wait for you dumb barely evolved primates to die out, or more likely you'll just become more entrenched in your consumer technology. Ban eachother more and more...until you reach a societal catalyist of such alienation and contempt from one another you revert to a more feudalstic model, and we can just come back later and make the close and be worshipped as gods meanwhile."

"Are we...are we the stupid old lady Rick?"

"Yep thats exactly what those guys are saying Morty."

Rick drinks from his flask.

As the saucers hover in the sky to float away they make a fixture of colorful lights and blare a sound to shatter window buildings like close encounters of the third kind. At which point Elvis's viva las vegas song can be heard across the planet.

"Oh damn thats just savage. (belch) You know Morty I bet that guy only shot like two people than every retard hillbilly at that concert just pulled out their handguns and started shooting eachother..."

"That...thats just in poor taste Rick."

"But it isn't wrong."

Rick takes another drink from his flask.


End file.
